Thats what I mean. LOL! But I also think that its one thing to set boundaries with friends and family, and another with people you are intimate with because even if youre not actively cohabitating, not having the kind of relationship where you can share space would feel very alarming. It is completely ok to ask if other halves/thirds/whatevers are invited, but PLEASE be gracious about hearing no. Some will even have the gall to ask if they can bring groups of their friends mind you, these are people Ive never met before in my life so that I can fucking host a group of strangers on my vacation! ). Ideally you've got lots of other stuff going on in your social life, so you have this attitude naturally. I mean, if someone said I was driving by but didnt want to drop by in case it was rude (or even if you said I saw you driving by, why didnt you say hello? and they said that was the reason) then you could reassure them that youd be happy for them to come by any time. Would you be up for that? Still on for tonight? sounds a bit less pointed than Are you actually running on time today?. 1. Wait for me to open the door and join you. As an adult, I simply cant bring myself to go or do anything that I have not been explicitly invited to. It drives me up the wall too! Even if its not exactly only friends from work invited, it gives a socially polite reason for friend to say that its not an open invitation. I briefly tried to date this guy who would tell me his plans for the day that was half the time an invitation and half the time not. My mom, my sister and I had come to town planned ahead of time to arrive at their house and have dinner. Most of my visitors seem to think the words Please sit down and let me bring you a cup of tea, mean Please follow me into the kitchen and check out all the dirty dishes and the crumbs on the worktop. Im not asking them to pick up on subtle cues, Im using my words, but they tend to ignore it. Ill have discomfort discussing a plan with a person if its a plan that they could conceivably have been involved with. I agree 100% with this. My brother and sister-in-law wound up super-stressed because not only did her mother and father invite themselves over, but they brought her brother, his wife and their twin toddlers. In the rare event that Im having chill-out time, thats because Im desperately in need of doing nothing / reading / watching Dr Who with my kids, and the last thing in the world I want is to have to interact with another person. So it works better. I dont think you did it deliberately or out of meanness, but it can feel that way when youre trying to African Violet someone without telling them thats what youre doing. Here are nine things that are bound to happen when you spend more time at your significant other's place: 1. captain awkward i found these tips really helpful, thank you . So for me it helps me to know hey this person is still excited on this and wants to do this thing so were ok. Im in the neighborhood. My parents put up with it because faaaaaaaaaaammmilyyyyyyyy. The point is to let them know that someone is at home, yet while not opening the door to a potential home invasion. Especially re: the Geek Social Fallacy that if you invite a few members of The Group to do a thing, any other member that learns about the thing should also be invited? So no. Even things they planned. Then blame the person who triggered their explosion. It cant have been fun for them, can it? One of our more memorable conversations was when she was really annoyed with where I was parking my bike; most of the issue was that she felt like I was in the guest-space where she couldnt just say, Hey, move your bike. And I was parking my bike in the obvious spot and assuming if it was an issue theyd say something. Hi, sorry our dog is all excited you are here Come up with a reason why you want to come over. Equally women didnt drop by after 6pm on weekdays alone because then the men were home and so it would be couple socializing time. When someone is yelling at you and trying to hurt you with sarcasm, it is because they have chosen to respond in a hurtful manner. except when you dont think of the relationship the same way. And at that point, you get to craft your own slow fade, being really really busy when their requests are made. This happens here every. I wish I had pulled back way way in the beginning but I craved the friendship and closeness. A lot of it probably is the presumption of intimacy of showed up at my house compared to showed up at my work. My bathroom at home is also the guest bathroom and I kind of want to tidy up slightly embarrassing but totally normal hygiene products before someone uses it? Just stop trying. If you read, for instance, advice columns or domestic humor from eras and neighborhoods that did casual visits, youll find lots of stories of people turning the lights off and laying down on the floor to avoid visitors. If he is into you he will definitely show up as he will want to protect you. Sometimes it is hard to tell though. A simple text letting him know you're looking forward to hanging out is sufficient. Yeah, thatd be fun!. i wouldve invited you up! Thats seriously a thing?? But it is very difficult to answer my son who keeps asking if he can have a playdate with T. Telling him that we have asked him twice, and now we have to wait for him to say something before we can ask again, just results in but I really, really want to play with T. Offers of inviting someone else over get, Can we ask T instead? I can keep redirecting that question, and even give a really specific no, because, but I really would like to invite T over, either to our house or to a neutral area like a local park. Ragey is about right! (Polite noises can be Anyway, it was good to see you; I guess I should head out and let you get back to stuff?), I get where youre coming from, and there are some benefits to brutal honesty, but not everyone is comfortable with being brutal to friends.. Get out of your car And by you I mean me. TL;DR: Even people within the same family, raised with the same social and cultural background and living in the same kinds of neighborhoods, people can have vastly different ideas about whether popping in with or without calling ahead first is OK. Ugh, I think I would be utterly gobsmacked if I mentioned a holiday plan and someone just assumed they could come with. I really really hate it when people use cultural differences as a convenient excuse to behave badly.It makes me feel like it's my fault for not knowing how things are supposedly done in this country. Ask him over because he won't say no. Best house guests EVER. Personally, Im totally fine with friends just showing up at my house. But in Small Town, on the rare occasions when it wasnt a good time for hanging out, no matter how low-grade, it was very hard to say that in a socially acceptable way. AT the very least, we are going to go VERY low contact. And I would probably stop initiating other kinds of hangouts (or at least do so less frequently) to see whether the friend really wanted us to keep being friends or if they were trying to naturally drift apart. But I wouldnt get nearly as irritated at them as I would at the door-to-door Vitamix salesman whos supposed to go away when he sees my sign. Just because someone says you did something wrong doesnt make you a stupid or wrong person, and it doesnt even make what you did wrong. All it takes is the willingness to step forward, and pick yourself. My main issue is that everyone is so casual that nobody really helps with dishes/cooking/food shopping/cleaning/chopping wood/preparing bait and so partner and I end up running around from dawn till dusk, taking care of a bunch of drunk guys relaxing on our lawn and trying to make small talk with strangers. And its also a problem you can fix, without awkwardness or hurt feelings. all my friends to do. Its kind of irrelevent in my case anyway, though, because I have no driveway or parking so someone coming to pick me up may or may not even have the option of leaving their car (if they find free street parking close but I wouldnt expect someone to find a parking spot and then come to my house, especially if it was winter). Like, most of Mr Birds family lives in Nearish Smaller Town, and often have to come to Big Town where we live for shopping, doctors, etc. It should never sound like you're begging to come over to his place. I dont have kids, and every once in a while I experience culture shock when other people talk about kid things. It was normal to just knock on their door on our way back from class to see if they were home/wanted to hang out. Not asking if the woman feels safe meeting at home. Ive struggled with that, too. Please take your high horse out back and shoot it. It is exactly what the Captain says about her not having the bandwidth to reach out to me so maybe I should just let it go but I miss her so much and I dont want to lose the connection. Sometimes if you give me the advice I will bite your head off. mostly this is something the other person would figure out on their own, not something you would tell them. You ask him/her to see each other and . Yes to all this. The society believes that 'male borns' are not often clean. Er yes, you have? We both think its only healthy for people in a relationship to have separate social lives as well as social things they do together were not joined at the hip. Members of my family have actually used my disorganization as the butt of jokes (probably out of the misguided belief that they can embarrass me into becoming a neat freak), and then they wonder why I refuse to let them into my home. Le sigh. Dont even start playing that game you wanted to play, or reading that book youre reading, because god forbid youre in the middle of something when someone arrives! We actually moved to a new unit in our complex to get away from her. Home vs. work,surprise! vs. planned, andyou inviting yourself vs. her inviting you,speak to escalating levels of intimacy. From my own life, Im a person who likes hosting but deeply disliked the conversation I had: Hey, Ive been wanting to watch This Old Movie, do you want to watch it with me? Sure, Im free all weekend Great, Ill be over at 3. Oh man the people who will turn up at the door and then call/text. But when everyones pretty busy, its often easier to just be more fault-tolerant than to try in vain to be a flawless scheduling robot. An ex-partner of mine used to plan their scheduling (work, social and romantic) very tightly. I have a people-energy budget made out for the week, and when people show up without asking, it annoys me at best-and also can be exhausting, depending on how high cost my week has been-and just the disruption to my budget without warning makes me annoyed. I was going to post something about how poly relationships can make this complicated, but your post points out that a lot of that really does get contained in two-person relationships too. But it was one of the hugest fights of a very fighty relationship. Also see Im planning to be in your neighbourhood geocaching, are you home for us to stop and say hello / join us for one of the caches nearby?. She made it to the wedding, informed me the night before she was supposed to arrive at my house that she would be staying with someone else, and left the wedding early. Because they were not ones to take a hint. Other friends, other rules. Back in my pre-cell phone phone college days in liberal central Texas, folks who popped by because they passed near my house generally stayed on the porch, got a hug, and went on their merry way. Ive had friends that I can show up at their place any time. Thats theyre decision as an adult. You'll make your life much simpler. But I do think its actually not very polite to do it. I totally understand that shame cleaning is a thing and I know the shame aspect of cleaning comes from a wide array of sources both personal and cultural and have felt/done it myself in certain circumstances. Issue one invitation, and whether its accepted or turned down, wait for one from her before issuing another. Its a lot about how much lead time I need to prepare the proper conditions for the activity. I take the view that if my partner is welcome then theyll tell me Hey, would you and D like to come? or D would be welcome too if he can make it! If hes not specifically mentioned then we both assume that the invite is just for me. I cant describe the horror that washes over me at the thought of a random drop-in, and there is not one single person on the face of the earth that could do that and not trigger that reaction. I didnt say your way forward was easy, mind. Things you should offer to do: Help prep or cook meals; set the table and do the dishes; offer to drive; occupy the kids while their parents take a well-deserved nap; fix a little something around the house if you have the skills; or take the dog for a walk. When people show up unexpectedly it depends on if its an annoyance for me. I know its immature, but I dont want to cut all ties, and I have to deal with them in some kind of way that doesnt make me feel so anxious and on edge. I think that's often what's really at the heart of it when people ask if it's okay to invite themselves somewhere. Or maybe I just had other plans for the next hour and now Im going to be behind on the day. You can also see how they react to other people, and if they have a constant stream of drop ins when youre over, or are OK with saying no when asked or setting limits on drop ins without squirming with discomfort. And thats really the hard part. There have been periods of many months for me, particularly when my mental health was poor, when I checked in with my best friends almost every day, and had they been physically available I might have asked for a hug too. I mean, I dont want to live in a way that allows for friends to stop by without cleaning for hours. That sort of cleaning, which I know not everyone does or enjoys, is not shame based. It could also mean that he really enjoys your company and just wants to hang out. And Ill send that message a week or two in advance. Whether you need to fix, build, create or learn, eHow gives you practical solutions to the problems life throws at you. You preference is not a moral standing. But I do mind when people try to invite themselves along when I already have plans, or show up unannounced when Im entertaining someone else and then give me shit about what I do on my own time, in my own house. I once had a friend invite himself along on a trip to Europe. Every so often there is a shitty parent who doesnt care if your kids like each other (because they dont like you or your kid for some stupid reason), but I think you get maybe four asks, versus adult arrangements. There are so many many reasons people might not enjoy a surprise visit. If the guy doesn't seem interested in your suggestion to get together at his place, let it go and move on. No one needs to know how I live.). I mean, most of the time I expect people to at least call ahead, unless an emergency occurred, but to ring my doorbell after dark when you said youd be here in the early afternoon, without an explanation, is ridiculous. Fun times. Do they seem loose and easygoing about these kinds of social rules, or are they more proper and formal? Exactly that last sentence. First of all guys don't smile to other girls unless they like them. To clarify some points: She inherited the house when my grandmother died and is having work done on it, ergo she has a key and I cant just chain the door and turn her away, as much of the work is being done when I am working elsewhere. Often, when a guy invites you over, it could be because he is wanting to take the relationship to the next level and make a move. Totally individual. I mean if its my sister, then she can drop by anytime because if I was going to take a nap I will just say hey, I was about to take a nap, you know where the coffee, internet, tv remote is, see you in 45 minutes. Has their baby barfed on me/Do we spend a lot of time in each others houses? I can think of lots of reasons, some of which have her unhappier with the work drop by. I wonder, and this is me being suspicious and on the lookout for odd behaviour as a profession, so I could be totally wrong and if so I apologize, but I wonder: If the intensity of his reaction has anything to do with the fact that he wasnt working, but instead naked. It reminds me of waiting in for a parcel, or the electrician. We knew we disagreed on a few things, knew we were different people, but the love and support was always there until it wasnt. I'd say one isn't better than the others. Firstly, if he laughs and giggles about these situations, that means that he is interested in talking to you and enjoys your time. My friends had it even worse with a guy who would show up at their house literally hours early. 4. ), I disagree. *I am the still, deep, blue water* Sorry for the messiness of the paragraph. Next Thursday? However, I dont always like to do that because people dont arrive right on the dot, so it can mean standing around in rain or cold weather. They will never ever have to believe that they are inherently bad at being people. Mind if I come along? 1. You could mention that you have a commitment after and will need to leave his place by a given time. Seriously. Some people would probably consider this secretive and dishonest, but tbh Im not sure she would. I dont understand why some people have such an issue with keeping visitees updated if theres gonna be any changes. That was awesome fun then, but 10 years later if you show up at my house at random, especially after 10, I probably wont even open the door, or I might get mad. She had never received the invitations (thanks, post office! I think its easier for both sides to send a text. This is a more specific but still open ended suggestion that allows them to specify how much time they have to devote to hanging out, and pick a place that is convenient to them. Its not that different. This right here. 1 pm. again, we dont all have to be friends. Its harder to say no than yes, so phrasing the question in a way that they dont have to say no makes a huge difference. yes exactly on the no clear rule. i have had friends who text, i am walking past your building! But thats my own 2 cents on the topic. Expecting brutal honesty from others merely because one isnt socially adept is expecting too much. I chose stay and keep playing bc, as a naive young thing, I thought that being offered that option meant that option was available for me to choose. Basically: asking in advance/leaving your buds/acquaintances the option to refuse is always always always the safer choice in my opinion. NEVERRRR, Its just that my family builds onion layers of forbidden feelings, and it was impossible to guess which ones you were supposed to notice & do something about and which ones didnt exist. My partner had a, You should come to our party next Saturday! Sure! conversation at a party, and, being Irish, she figured it was a friendly fun thing that people say and promptly forgot about it. I hate to say it, but what if they just didnt feel like seeing you that day? My SIL is the queen of this, but its also happened more than once with the parents of some of my kids friends. No notice necessary.. Repeat as necessary, adding I do not want you to drop by unannounced. Instead, find out what activities they like, and invite them to do something you both enjoy. and our NONE OF THE REST OF YOU ARE INVITED. Just as with the break-up of a romantic/sexual relationship, theres something horrible about the person who doesnt come out and say its over Im breaking up with you but instead keeps leading the soon-to-be ex on with apologies, affection and promises interspersed with harshness, temper, and neglect in the hopes that the rejectee will get the hint. I have appointments, errands, etc.). Imagine the following conversation happening when two Brazilian friends who havent seen each other in a while run into each other in public. So we talk about plans past and future all the time and we expect people not to be weird about it. This. They did call first, but left a message because no one was home and came anyway. You dropped in and your neighbors offered you a Coke and you laughed and chilled out for half an hour and then you left. Instead of spending time wondering how to invite her back to your place during the date, strategize before the date by choosing a dinner spot that is close to home . This leaves friend feeling frustrated that Im ignoring them and making it hard for them to plan their Saturday. Then again, those were people who didnt expect you to drop every little thing to amuse them, and before living in a way that wouldnt allow for friends to stop by without cleaning for hours werent a thing, either. I loathe that kind of conversation, I cant initiate it. About three weeks out, I did a last run through the response list, and figured out that one friend who I had been discussing the wedding with had never responded. We had keys, together a year. Going around the corner for drinks? Or theyd end up interrupting the host through the usually flurry of getting-all-their-shit-done-before-they-inevitably-have-to-go-to-work etc phase. but Im concerned about *your* plans. It is like the puzzle Geordi wasnt allowed to send the Borg ship. I am having a problem with it at the moment though. Thank you! Sometimes Id be forced to stand there screaming and pleading with them to stop, which usually resulted in a beating for being so ungrateful. Theres a difference between mentioning and discussing, though, eh? but the child in question left my kid a quivering wreck after any play time. Itturned out ok, but I sort of wish I had subsequently invited one or two other people, because it was kinda weird to travel with this guy (he wasnt even a CLOSE friend, I have NO CLUE what he was thinking). I think big expensive things get a pass on the discussing in front of others thing. Even if some or all of those things were not true, I still, like everyone else, have a right to privacy and personal space. I have no idea what he said, because all I could do was sit there and think about how he was within a 5 feet direct viewing radius of our entire collection of underwear. Calling out seems much more about telling the LW that theyve done something wrong rather than the friend owning their preferences or stating an unpreviously set boundary. And I dont want to raise expectations falsely and unsustainably. It hadnt occurred to me that it would come across that way, and Im sorry. It imposes too much on the person who lives there. My spouse prefers to wait outside so as to offer minimal inconvenience to whoever is doing us the favor of driving. It will be more than awkward the first few times. Yes to this Meanwhile I prefer for casual-visit to mean lets go out to the coffee shop, even though that really strains my budget, because I both have executive function issues that affect my house and experience a lot of shame over those issues. and my shame level is much much higher and so I never have people over without a sometimes-tearful marathon clean that leaves me too exhausted to enjoy it. I moved country recently and keeping up with my best friend is hard work that is almost completely on me. WITHOUT offering up an alternative or making a visible effort to make something happen. Sometimes she was angry, and Id apologize. (And the good thing is you can be like Im going to be in the CBD today, who wants to get lunch? or can someone come visit me this week and Ill make cookies, studyings driving me up the wall.). I did nonetheless feel foolish I hadnt thought to use it! Even if I were OK with hugs, I wouldnt want to be repeatedly visited at work to hug if nothing else, that would likely be viewed as incredibly unprofessional and quite likely disruptive to collegues. So far it seems to work. But so many people want to hang out all day. Id MUCH rather have a conversation like: THEM: We missed you at [that Thing], why didnt you come? I love playing host, its true, but I use that phrase consciouslyplaying host. Its a role that I choose to put on, and it is not one that I would expect (or want!) She has been known to call AND SHOW UP IN PERSON WITHOUT AN APPOINTMENT at my workplace, even. Like, we have the board game friends over for a movie except that one. When an unexpected encounter is perceived to threaten someones carefully scheduled world, it doesnt take much for them to fly off the handle. 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