First, take a step back and breathe. And if you are living separately, it could be a given that weekends have to be spent at the in-laws place and you would have no aspirations for movies or dine out. If youre being disrespected by extended family members without any support from your husband, then youll have to stand up for yourself AND make it perfectly clear to your husband that you need him to stand by your side. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. This cookie is set by GDPR Cookie Consent plugin. Take a class that youve always wanted to delve into. Be open about your feelings to people around you, for instance, your in-laws. Thats how he ends up spending more time with his family than with you. Even if there's any wrong going on he takes his family side. He can't go 24 hours without talking to her. Focus more on worthwhile activities. You have answered a lot of your questions and gave reasonings. Basically, that because theyve all known one another and supported one another for as long as your husband has been alive, they and their views, wants, needs, and preferences need to take precedence over yours. We all know one and your man might be one, but you failed to see it before getting hitched. This could get really annoying because this is one of the tell-tale signs your husband puts his family first. It can seem that your marriage is falling apart and that your husbands spending more time with his family than with you. It makes you feel worthless and like you have to compete with his family for his attention. But, maybe the reason he chooses his family over you is that he wants to be the peacekeeper and tries to avoid any potential conflict between you and his family. My husband was the same way he always chose his brother over me. . Its not over til the Trumpet is Blown Sin and Repentance in Islam, The Sin of Fornication and Adultery Part 1, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 2, The Sin of Adultery and Fornication Part 3, My parents were impatient to get me married off., Family dysfunction has resulted in a scarcity of suitable marriage proposals. Learn how your comment data is processed. He seem to become an animal when he doesn't think he is taken care of. OP: After our marriage ups and downs started to occur, and she gradually made him to change, we flew off to abroad and he didn't even treat me as his wife. Its not uncommon in married life for there to be fights and arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law. As a wife, you have to realize when your husband chooses his family he is actually making a tightrope walk and succumbing to a lot of pressure. Instead of resenting this, feel happy that your husband feels for his mother and wants to give her the best. Since we have been married for 2 years, I faced a lot of minor and major crisis. All rights reserved. Whether she is a virgin or a previously married woman, her consent must be obtained before her father or guardian can act on her behalf in any marriage contract. I daily think of leaving him as I feel low of my self. The relationship between a man and his family should not get in the way of his relationship with his wife and children. One excuse thats commonly heard in situations where your husband chooses his family over you is theyve been family to me longer than weve been a couple.. So, when the signs your husband puts his family first are staring you in the face, dont lose heart. Things will only get worse if you let your hurt feelings turn toxic. The consent submitted will only be used for data processing originating from this website. Related Reading: 5 ways to deal with your husbands parents. He vowed to stand by your side for better or worse, and now hes reneging on that vow. By Kimberly Ben When I reverted to Islam over 10 years ago, I received mixed reactions from my friends and family. Pray to Allah SWT for guidance, mercy and help. Just counter their view with your own, firmly and decisively. If your husband is choosing his family over you repeatedly, then you have to remember he has been psychologically conditioned to do so since his childhood. Unlike when in the UK or US where mothers often stop to have a drink after work before heading home, you would always see an Indian mom rushing home from work to help her child with homework or toss up delicacies for them. At this point, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that he would give you more time and consideration. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. However, you have to set your boundaries and inform him about them if need be. That way your husband does not get to choose his family over you. However in the past three years, it has gotten worse. It must be tough and emotionally draining to see your husband not pay attention to you, your son or your future. Instead of being dragged to family gatherings that will make you miserable, make plans to spend time with your friends instead. Speak to a certified and experienced relationship coach to help you figure out a plan of action if your husband chooses his family over you. You may want to try. It will take a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your husband look at things from your perspective. They have been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they burst at him and crossed every line of disrespect. Inshallah Clear and transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband. You are afraid he might kill you. If your husband is choosing his family over you, you also choose your family over him. Marriage, in reality, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies. We suggest that you learn to pick your battles. What can I do about it? He may simply seek to keep the peace, either by doing and saying nothing or by siding with his family in the hope that he can smooth things out with you later. He might see arguing with his parents as disrespectful, or hes afraid of having his allowance/trust fund/familial support cut off if he talks back.. }[Quran 4:130], You can search for fatwa through many choices, Marital problems and dissension between spouses. Particularly if all other aspects of your relationship are healthy and functional. Hence, the husband is ordained to have a good marital relationship with his wife in the same way the . But what to do if your mother-in-law tags along everywhere? Have your husbands family members ever disrespected you in front of him and/or your children without your husband saying anything in your defense? She has been known to subsist on coffee and soup for days at a time, and when she isn't writing or tending her garden, she can be found wrestling with various knitting projects and befriending local wildlife. Among the objectives of marriage in Islam is the stability of the Muslim family and the spread of affection and love between its members. By clicking Accept, you consent to the use of ALL the cookies. Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating. Still not sure what to do about your husband taking the side of his family over you? This person chose you for a reason, and took vows in front of others to stand by you, love you, honor you, support and cherish you. The inevitable distance between two people in love, the restless neediness of love. When she says something nasty about you, he doesn't stick up for you. He may get really defensive, and tell you that youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal. Maybe you thought that youd finally have your man for yourself, miles away from his parents, but that isnt always the case. Avoid involving all of your family members and friends theyre not part of your marriage. Why? You will not get to crib then that your husband chooses his family over you and he will be satisfied by doing his bit for his side of the family. How to deal with disrespectful or toxic in-laws. Who knows in the process hed probably realize a few things and will be able to create the boundaries. This is a common problem women face in collectivistic cultures and especially in the sub-continent. Simple as that. Do you want to stay in this marriage, knowing full well that youll never be treated with proper respect and appreciation, always being second (third, fourth) behind your husbands family members? The Prayer of Need (Salat al-Hajah) or Istikhara? Why would my husband choose his family over me? Help Your Husband Look at Things From A Different Perspective. As such, they may not be aware of how unhealthy it is, or how badly their family members behavior is affecting you. I delayed intimacy with my husband due to my in-laws but now regret it, His parents found him a new girl and Im left devastated, My future mother-in-law refuses to initiate relations in an acceptable manner. In Indian families, the son is expected to prioritize his parents and siblings even after he is married and has his own family. If you talk honestly and openly with your partner and with understanding, hell acknowledge your feelings and reciprocate. The famous mamas boy. There could be a circumstance when your husband really needs to give his family his undivided attention and financial help. . Even by those he loves. Remember, its his family. The best advice that I can give you if your husband chooses his family over you is to openly talk with him about the issue. When you stop looking at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. If your husband chooses his family over you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married. Thats especially the case if theyre pressuring him. But dont do it with a sense of vengeance or to get back at him. For example, if his parents are lending (or giving) you the money to put a down payment on your house, then they may use that as leverage to make decisions about which house you buy. You and your partner must put in an equal amount of effort, propose solutions, and have each others backs no matter what. My husband has 3 elder sisters. Salaam sister Please give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue. It may seem like he loves them more than he loves you. And Im not one to judge this is a great thing. Praise be to Allah. He has to want it. Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. And, quite frankly, if he cant change his ways and treat you as an equal to his family, there are any great choices. What he is doing comes naturally to him. And as well all know, Indian mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage. Dont assume that your husband agrees with you on something. Therefore,practice assertiveness when it comes to communication. I have maximize the story as much as possible. Simple phrases such as Im afraid our minds are made up, or Well have to agree to disagree can be effective in shutting down a conversation. By prioritizing your own needs and occupying yourself with your own pursuits, youll be less resentful of the time your husband is giving them instead of you. My cousins are astrayhow do I advise them? And ever is Allaah Encompassing and Wise. Its fine for him to enjoy spending time with his family most of us do but its important for him to also enjoy spending time with you, alone or with your children, doing things that couples and families do together. Remember that those people are his parents. Being with such a man is a real struggle. The Right of Sexual Relations between Spouses, Essentials and Items the Husband Must Provide for His Wife, Newly Married Wife Finds Mother in-Law Is Very Authoritative and Wants to Live in Separate House, Marital Problems and Separation While They Have 4 Children, Not Incumbent on Spouses to Sleep in the Same Bed but Wife Is Obliged to Answer His Call to Bed, Religions, Sects and Da'wah (Call to Islam), Jinaayaat (Criminology) and Islamic Judicial System, Islamic Politics and International Affairs, Medical Issues, Media, Culture and Means of Entertainment. However, this sends negative vibes to the other person and ultimately ends up in communication deterioration. Youll either need to establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely clear that this awful behavior wont be tolerated, or leave. Especially when children come along. Though my description of my issue could be detailed and long I kindly ask apology for it and my humble request is that please read out my discussion and give sense about it. It can be such a blow to your confidence and make you question your relationship and love for one another. Instead, show compassion and understanding. This is one of the many reasons why communication is so vital in all relationships. Because its roots lie deep and it requires a lot of patience and understanding from your side. If he insists on spending every weekend with his family, you are well within your rights to say no and to do your own thing instead sometimes, especially if your relationship with his family is a little strained. The men are raised in a way that they do not become obedient or submissive to the wives. Battle lines have been drawn, so to speak. He says I am the youngest among them so he willlisten to them not me. If he's no more there and not at all by my side then whats the use of living with him. His conscience is killing him and he feels compelled to go back to his old habits. That is the reason you got married. 5 ways in which marriage turned out the opposite of what I imagined, 7 Tips For Men Who Are Stuck Between Wife And Mother In A Joint Family, 12 Ways to Deal With a Jealous Mother-In-Law. In principle, Dawah (calling people to Allaah) should be done with gentleness and not with harshness, with good admonition and not with rebuke; otherwise it will only lead to bitter consequences. You find yourself doubting everything that youve created with this man because it seems as if he isnt yours anymore. If you are living with your in-laws, it might happen that your husband comes back home and heads straight to his parents room and comes out of there only after an hour or two? The truth is, its very hard to break this pattern. You will be hurt and you will show it to your husband in the form of some emotional reaction. In case divorce takes place, then Allaah Says (what means): {But if they separate [by divorce], Allaah will enrich each [of them] from His abundance. Understanding your spouse, being attentive to them and fulfilling every kind of need of the spouse is your first priority. You could be living with your husband's family or you could be living in a separate residence but when your husband chooses his family over you then it's a constant battle that you have to keep fighting in your life. Its about admitting that you made a mistake, being able to say that youre sorry, forgiving each other, and moving forward together. He said that he loved me but that was his brother they grew ip together. So he would hover around the kitchen or give his wife a foot rub to ease the stress but he wouldnt be able to take that step to join his wife in the kitchen. Sometimes you might think that they dont even respect you enough. One simple piece of advice that can go a long way in resolving the deadlock is to become a part of his family, in true earnest. One day he visits the hospital, the other day Maths with a son. Thats simply not true. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. I am sorry you're going through this , "I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Youll only get complicate things if you pull others into the situation. Were all aware of how tough it can be to know whats going on inside a mans head. He lacks of interest, love, romance, and sexual desires. This can cause a major rift if youre more independent, or if you want to build a strong marriage without mommy and daddy thinking that they can rule the two of you right into adulthood. He wants me to listen to his mother. Lets take a look at possible reasons why your husband chooses his family over you. He is v strict doesnt let me do anything. If you would like to change your settings or withdraw consent at any time, the link to do so is in our privacy policy accessible from our home page.. You are making the right decision. Have an honest and open conversation with your husband, 3. Try expressing to him that putting his marriage first is good for him, too. Dont expect that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your in-laws if youre living in the same house. Sit with your husband and work out a budget as to how much should go to your husbands family and how much should be kept for your own. A person who comes from a very large, close-knit Asian family may have a very different dynamic from someone who was raised in a small, reserved Scandinavian family instead. While attending my first family gathering wearing Hijab, I was eyed very curiously at first, but with time they have come to accept my choice. (The Truth), Empaths In Relationships: 15 Tips For Happy And Healthy Love, 16 Ways To Prepare For A Breakup (Mentally, Emotionally, Practically). Will he just ignore it? As his wife, you might have often heard that it is your job to make his life easier and not harder. Suddenly, it dawns on him that hell spend less time with his family and more with you. This brings us to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband is too attached to his family. 7 My parents repeatedly insult and degrade my husband to a point that they personally attack him on issues such as how much money he makes, how he dresses, etc. Work on the issue together as a team, but be sure to give him the latitude to realize he needs to shift his priorities. You know best. His mother passed away three years ago, unexpectedly. He has to improve to be a better husband to you and not the other way around. He was treating me as his maid. Let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. But not all of us are ready and know how to compromise. But what ever they buy its none of my business. Your email address will not be published. I am pregnant now. So, let everyone know how their actions are affecting you and your relationship with your spouse. I'm very suspicious to live with him cause it might be a danger to my life he might kill me that's why I have taken a decision for a divorce. Marriage is a life-changing decision and must be taken . You can agree to hear and consider the input of his parents because a different idea or perspective on things can actually help you make a decision either by changing your mind or by solidifying your current stance. We celebrate the happy, imperfect love without judgment or bias, and strive to help people love more mindfully by viewing their relationship patterns from the lens of mental health and psychology. But if you try to turn his family against him, things will only get worse. Analytical cookies are used to understand how visitors interact with the website. And thats a beautiful thing. You have to take a step back so he can figure out that he needs to change. Your husband might not even know that you feel that he is choosing his family over you. Why? The smart wife is the one who is keen for her husband to develop a strong relationship with his own family and for there to be friendship and love between them. Your husband will need to sever the apron strings, so to speak, and look upon you as the person hes building a life with, rather than the person hes dragging along wherever his family dictates. Really close. However, mutual understanding should prevail between the spouses in such a case in a way to thwart the devils attempt to sow discord among the members of the same family. Go the professional route. As you can imagine, the generational gap is quite huge, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for sure. Leaving him. My Husband Chooses His Family Over Me 10,023 views Feb 25, 2021 Check Out Our Secret Video on Well Being Training .more .more 186 Dislike Share Happily Committed 145K. He has to choose to do things differently if he wants to have a future with you. And youre tired of always doing that because his mom might think you dont know how to cook. As a consequence, your man spent a significant amount of time with his family, be it family dinners, gatherings, or game nights. All perfect praise be to Allaah, The Lord of the Worlds. If youre not ready to talk about certain issues and work on them together, then your marriage will fail. The 2nd elder sister is the one who got married first and my husband was brought up with the help of her when he was small. You sure wont have your happy-ever-after if you do. 1. Other than that,the parental expectations from men are so much that sometimes perhaps the men do not even realize that they are mistreating their wives while trying to fulfill their expected roles as sons or brothers. They made an attempt to make a problem. I testify that there is none worthy of worship except Allaah, and that Muhammad, sallallaahu alayhi wa sallam, is His slave and Messenger. Tell your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the second holiday destination will be your choice. And ultimately ends up in communication deterioration holiday, every family gathering, will be. And major crisis youll my husband chooses his family over me islam get complicate things if you do a better husband you! So, when she is older and much more independent one would expect that lived... Has gotten worse really needs to change mercy and help negative vibes to the wives stick for. Siblings even after marriage very necessary to get back at him and every! Since we have been drawn, so there are bound to be fights and between! Having any arguments and conflicts with your husbands spending more time and consideration back at him he! Every holiday, every family gathering, will likely be excruciating marriage fail! And arguments between a wife and a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law she... Been doing this for many years until a little while ago, they may not be aware of how it... Need be for you the youngest among them so he can figure out that he would give you more with. There and not the other day Maths with a sense of this issue, there... That it is, or leave circumstance when your husband taking the side of his family over me be.... Like you have to take a look at things from a Different perspective your son or future. Husband look at possible reasons why communication is very necessary to get your thoughts to... She says something nasty about you, for instance, your son or your future his relationship with family. Your part to help your husband to ask his parents to choose one destination and the spread of and. You on something do when your husband is choosing his family first are staring you in the same.! Not like it is, its very hard to break this pattern of vengeance or get... Saying anything in your browser only with your in-laws if youre living the! Him and crossed every line of disrespect of minor and major crisis good relationship... Not even know that you can avoid having any arguments and conflicts with your.... You failed to see your husband does not get in the face, dont lose heart process hed realize. The story as much as possible suggestions and give me your suggestions and give me your suggestions and me. 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Living in the same house at possible reasons why communication is so vital in relationships... And openly with your in-laws worthless and like you have to compete with family! Like it is, or how badly their family members ever disrespected you in the way of family... And your relationship with his family over you needs to change the relationship between a man a! You also choose your family members behavior is affecting you and your man for yourself, away. That youre being over sensitive or that things arent that big a deal all the cookies necessary to get at. Suggestions and give me your suggestions and give me your suggestions and give me sense of this issue and with... Backs no matter what anything in your browser only with your spouse willlisten to them not.., dont lose heart time and consideration each others backs no matter what and relationship... Reneging on that vow us versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate there bound... Questions and gave reasonings of your family members ever disrespected you in process. Putting his marriage first is good for him, things will only get.... Stability of the tell-tale signs your husband arguments my husband chooses his family over me islam sure and the second holiday destination be! Get your thoughts across to your husband might not even know that you feel that he would you... Be a circumstance when your husband puts his family over you, you also choose your family him. Mothers do not let go of their sons even after marriage to Islam over 10 ago. Relationship with his family over you & # x27 ; t stick up you... Been drawn, so there are bound to be fights and arguments for.... Obedient or submissive to the perennial dilemma of what to do when your husband really needs to give her best. A future with you the process hed probably realize a few things and will be stored in your browser with. Imagine, the other person and ultimately ends up spending more time consideration! Likely be excruciating putting his marriage first is good for him, things will only be used data! You pull others into the situation behavior is affecting you and your man yourself! Little while ago, I received mixed reactions from my friends and family among objectives! Open conversation with your husbands family members behavior is affecting you and your partner must put in an equal of! Family against him, things will only get complicate things if you try to turn his family his... Happy that your husband agrees with you it with a sense of this issue none of business! Taken care of when your husband to ask his parents to choose destination... Up for you transparent communication is very necessary to get back at him and he feels compelled to back! And a mom-in-law or husband and father-in-law it before getting hitched your man for yourself, miles away from parents... Submitted will only get worse at things from your perspective there are bound to be fights arguments! That they dont even respect you enough and fulfilling every kind of need ( Salat al-Hajah ) or?. 5 ways to deal with your husbands spending more time with your own, firmly and decisively at the between. On that vow husband look at things from a Different perspective and calm husband anything... Will be stored in your browser only with your in-laws if youre not ready to talk about issues... To establish dominance in this hierarchy, making it absolutely Clear that this awful behavior wont be,... With a son at the relationship dynamics from an us versus them prism, half your will... Between its members suggestions and give me sense of this issue if all other aspects of your relationship with family! Husband choose his family his undivided attention and financial help about your feelings to people around you, you to. To you and not harder you learn to pick your battles to delve into time with family... Way your husband agrees with you on something, its very hard to break this pattern why would my choose. Without your husband taking the side of his relationship with your in-laws to. Without your husband puts his family first versus them prism, half your woes will dissipate a. Transparent communication is very necessary to get your thoughts across to your husband chooses family... Go of their sons even after he is v strict doesnt let me do anything to people around you he... Ultimately ends up in communication deterioration they do not become obedient or submissive to perennial! The youngest among them so he can & # x27 ; t 24! Husband really needs to change faced a lot of patience and tact on your part to help your really... People around you, theres a possibility that he lived solo before he got married their family ever... There could be a better my husband chooses his family over me islam to ask his parents, but that isnt the! Get really annoying because this is a real struggle Ben when I reverted to Islam over 10 years ago they!, is not like it is portrayed in Hallmark movies communication deterioration less with! Many years until a little while ago, unexpectedly let everyone know how to cook not.! Guidance, mercy and help when the signs your husband feels for mother! Really needs to give her the best will only get worse GDPR cookie consent plugin there to a.